Pretending to be Perfect is Hard Work

In the hour before guests come to my house, you will often find me rushing throughout my house, making last-minute preparations to assure that no one will see that we actually live...the way we live.

At our house, the counters and kitchen table are often cluttered with unsorted mail and half-empty (or half-full?) cups. Sweaters are draped over chairs and shoes lie abandoned in the living room. When guests are on the way, I frantically toss coats and shoes in the hall closet instead of taking them upstairs to put them away. I move stacks of papers to the bedroom instead of sorting through them and keeping only what we need. I genuinely work up a little bit of a sweat dashing around trying to make the house “presentable” for other people.

It’s hard work pretending to have it all together.

Although I work really hard to hide it, I know my own failures all too well. I put more work into making people think I’m organized and responsible than...actually getting things organized and being responsible.

Online, it’s easy to hide behind a barrage of cheerful Facebook posts and a slew of Instagram filters and pretend like life is great, like I am great. Still, on the inside, I know that my thoughts can be ugly and my actions are often self-serving. I am acutely aware of my shortcomings, but pride and shame compel me to put more effort into maintaining an admirable image of myself for other people and less into humbling myself and growing in Christlikeness.

Pride and shame might seem like contradictory emotions. Pride gives you and good self-image, and shame gives you a bad one, right? I actually find that they fuel one another. I am too proud to reveal the things that I am ashamed of. My pride leads to fear. Just as I’m afraid that other people would be disgusted to see our house a mess, I also fear that they would be repulsed if they saw the messiness of my heart as well. Worldly wisdom tells me to hide my flaws to protect myself: but God’s Word says something different:

Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy. Proverbs 28:13

When pride tempts us to hide our failures, we are called to confess and forsake our sinful choices so that we are free to receive God's gift of mercy. How many of us really practice this? I'm embarrassed to confess something as frivolous as an untidy house, and now I have to own up to actual sin as well? It seems like a tall order, but it comes with the promise of healing:

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. 
James 5:16

On our own, it's easy to be trapped in the lie that we will never truly be healed of our sins. And while it's true that, this side of eternity, we will continue to struggle with temptation, we can trust in God's mercy, and our faith will be credited to us as righteousness (Romans 4:5). We need other Christians speaking Truth into our lives, encouraging us in the faith, and admonishing us to growing in Christlikeness. That cannot happen when we hide the reality of our sins. We are not called to live in fear and shame, but to seek the Lord and have freedom:

I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.
Psalm 34:4-5

What an amazing promise! We can become unwavering women, free of fear, when we seek the Lord and look to Him. We will defeat pride and shame by being fearlessly humble, intentionally valuing our righteousness over our reputation. 

I'm definitely going to keep cleaning my house before people come over. It's kind of necessary. Still, I hope that, over time, my motivation will be to create a hospitable environment for my guests, not just to hide what I'm embarrassed about. I also know that it would be unwise to bare my soul to everyone, but my prayer is that God will continue to bring fellow believers into my life who will encourage me to grow in humility and be free from fear. I pray that you will seek and find that in your life as well!

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Respond

Do you ever feel trapped by pride and shame? How have you experienced healing in this area?

Caring for Christians Struggling with Depression

This article was originally featured on the Gresham Bible Church blog in October 2014.

Following the tragic suicide of Robin Williams back in August, the usually taboo topics of depression and suicide suddenly became fodder for the best and worst of Internet commentary. Many contemplated the answer to a question that haunts all whose lives are touched by depression and suicide: “How did this happen?”

Some considered Williams a victim of the disease of depression: a tragic casualty in the battle against mental illness. 

Others, including one infamous Christian blogger, ultimately attributed the comedian’s demise to a bad decision. Many commenters even went so far as to suggest that depression (and ultimately, suicide) is just a symptom of unconfessed sin, an ailing spiritual life, and a lack of faith. 

For a few of us, the “how” wasn’t even a question. We didn’t need to wonder, because we already knew. We know what it’s like to feel so hopeless that the thought of living has lost its appeal. Although the graceless speculations of a vocal minority may indicate otherwise, Christians are not immune to the bog of depression, and being depressed doesn’t make you a “bad” Christian.

Christians who grapple with depression are in good company with some big names from the Bible, including Job, Elijah, Jonah, Solomon, and David. Every one of these men grappled with hopelessness, and a few even to the point of suicidal thoughts:

Now, LORD, take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live.
Jonah 4:3

Contemporary examples of Christian leaders fighting against depression abound as well, such as: Mother Teresa, Charles Spurgeon, C.S. Lewis, and John Piper, among others. 

Piper in particular has written on the subject of depression many times. In his book When the Darkness Will Not Lift, he establishes that depression may develop due to a variety of considerations, including: “sin,… Satanic assault,… distressing circumstances, or … hereditary or other physical causes.”  Sin is just one of several factors that may cause or worsen depression.

Although a guilty conscience struggling under the weight of unconfessed sin may become trapped under the weight of depression, sin is not the absolute cause of all depression, and depression itself is not necessarily sin. As Piper says in his book Future Grace, “The first shock waves of the bomb are not sin. The real danger is yielding to them. Giving in. Putting up no spiritual fight. And the root of that surrender is unbelief — a failure to fight for faith in future grace. A failure to cherish all that God promises to be for us in Jesus.” While depression itself is not sin, it does leave us woefully vulnerable to it. 

For the Christian, depression is a systematic attack by Satan that exploits the believer’s weaknesses and takes their focus off Christ and puts it onto a warped interpretation of their circumstances. During my own battles with depression, I have struggled to decipher truth from fiction. My mind has been filled with hateful thoughts that I could not fend off: You’re a failure. No one wants to be around you. You’re a disappointment to everyone. No one cares what happens to you. Why do you even bother anymore? 

Thoughts like these are straight from the pit of Hell. They are Satan’s attacks. God’s Word warns us to be wary of his deceitfulness:

Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.
1 Peter 5:8

He was a murderer from the beginning, and has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.
John 8:44

When we know that a fellow Christian is becoming overwhelmed by Satan’s lies, it’s not our job to speculate about why that person has succumbed. Instead, it is our job to take a stand with our struggling brothers and sisters in Christ and help fend off the lion; we must help protect God’s family from all attacks.

So, what are the weapons that we have to fight this battle?

Fellowship: Depression festers in isolation. People who are depressed will naturally withdraw from those around them because of shame or fear. If you know or suspect that someone you care about is depressed, reach out to them and be near to them. Whether that means offering a sympathetic ear, or merely sitting in silence, God can use your presence to provide comfort in a trying time.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18

Prayer: A depressed Christian may feel so discouraged that they aren’t able to pray for themselves. They may feel that God doesn’t want to hear from them, or that their prayers won’t make a difference. Your prayers can help guard them when they are unable to ask for protection for themselves. Pray for this person independently and with them when you spend time together. For many people, just knowing that someone cares enough to pray with them and for them will be a strong encouragement. 

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.
James 5:16

Truth: As it was in my case, depressed individuals may have a difficult time distinguishing truths from Satan’s lies. Take every opportunity you can to encourage them with God’s Word. Shower them with God’s promises, even if they are unable to fully appreciate them at the time. Be lovingly persistent, and continue to be faithful in prayer.

Sanctify them in the truth; Your word is truth.
John 17:17

By responding to depressed believers with fellowship, prayer, and God’s Word, we can help them to embrace the freedom that has been granted to them in Christ: 

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.
Romans 8:1-2

In the future, should you encounter a fellow believer bogged down by depression, I hope that your first question won’t be, “How did this happen?” Instead, ask this: 

“How do I help?’

Related Reading:

“4 Myths Christians Need to Stop Believing About Depression” By Debra K Fileta of Relevant Magazine
“Robin Williams’ Death an Opportunity to Look at Depression in the Scriptures” by Matt Lawrenz of Bible Gateway

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Respond

Have you or someone you care about ever suffered from depression? What was helpful and encouraging in that time?

Choosing Gratitude When You Feel Like Grumbling

This article was originally featured on the Gresham Bible Church blog in May 2015.
 

I feel like I’ve lived the great majority of my life in a prison of my own making. Even after becoming a Christian, moments of true freedom may be interspersed among days and weeks being held captive by my own fear and anxiety.

Will I ever get married?

Will I ever find a job?

Will we ever be able to have kids?

Will I ever feel healthy?

Will we ever be able to afford adoption?

The questions change, but the underlying fear stays the same: Is God taking care of me, really?

Sometimes my fear snowballs into frustration, grumbling, and even anger. When my circumstances don’t match my expectations I feel that I’ve been wronged. I believe that life owes me something, or maybe even that God does.

At times, such thoughts have brought me to the end of myself, and to the brink of desperation. I begin to feel hopeless. Prayer feels pointless when God doesn’t seem to be answering.

It was at one of these low points in my life, when I felt that God had turned his back on me, that He used a dear friend of mine and an excellent book to change my perspective forever.

Last April, my best friend gave me Ann Voskamp’s book One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are as a gift for my birthday. I was excited to dive into it, but my long reading list (#Englishteacherproblems) meant I didn’t start it for a few months. It was perfect timing.

I was at low point; a deep hopelessness had settled over me as I realized that after two years of unsuccessfully attempting to get pregnant, my husband and I were no nearer to becoming parents than we had been when we first started trying. This was even after pursuing costly fertility treatments with zero results.

Reading Voskamp’s book opened my eyes to the ways that discontentment, anxiety, fear, and anger rob me of the joy that God wants to graciously lavish on me. These feelings will lead me down the dark path, and eventually, into sin. The solution? Voskamp calls it eucharisteo: thanksgiving.  She writes,  “…life change comes when we receive life with thanks and ask for nothing to change.” The solution to my problems has never been a change in my circumstances, but a change in my attitude. My life is transformed when I alter the way I think (Romans 12:2), by approaching life with gratitude instead of dissatisfaction.

In fact, Voskamp compellingly concludes that the simple act of counting our blessings (yes, even writing them down) opens us up to satisfaction in God. In good times, this is simple and natural. When things get rough, when the nursery is as empty as my wounded heart, God is still deserving of my praise. Even when my circumstances don’t change and gratitude is hard, God calls me to give thanks: “While I may not always feel joy, God asks me to give thanks in all things, because He knows that the feeling of joy begins in the action of thanksgiving” (Voskamp).

When I choose to demand my own way by stubbornly clinging to my prior expectations, I am choosing to live without joy. Voskamp puts it this way: “The demanding of my own will is the singular force that smothers out joy—nothing else”. True joy and satisfaction didn’t come from getting married or finding a great job, and it won’t come from finally becoming a mom. The only thing that can fully satisfy me is doing what I was created to do: bringing glory to God through a constant attitude of gratitude, because “Our endless desires are fulfilled in endless God” (Voskamp).

Reading One Thousand Gifts helped to pull me out of a dark time. It revealed a huge area of weakness in my life, not with shame or condemnation, but with hope and encouragement to live a richer, fuller life going forward. I’m not perfectly walking the path of gratitude, but I hope that my story can be an encouragement to others to join me in abandoning our self-made prisons and choosing gratitude.

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Respond

How have your prior expectations robbed you of your present joy? Gratitude helps me fight that temptation. What about you?