During this phase of the domestic adoption process, my husband and I are in limbo as we wait to be matched with a child to adopt. Sometimes we are waiting to find the right situation to have our family profile presented to. Those are the times of quiet discouragement, when I feel like we’re making no progress toward parenthood, and wonder how long it will be until we present our profile again.
Less frequently, we’re waiting to hear back about whether a potential birth family has picked us to parent their child. Those days are torn between hope and fear. I feel hopeful because of little similarities I noticed between myself and the birth mom, or how closely I think we fit her description of an ideal family for her child. Maybe this is it! Maybe we’ll finally be chosen! I check my phone and email obsessively, ready to receive “the call” if it comes. Still, a large part of me is very afraid, because I know there’s a good chance I’ll be let down again. Fear whispers in the back of my mind: What if we never get picked at all?
Our profile has been presented eight different times without being picked, and right now we’re waiting to hear back on a situation we presented to last week, knowing that the answer may again be “no.” We’ve been praying to become parents for so many years, at the worst times, it feels like the only answer we ever get from God is "no."
In those times, I am tempted to feel discouraged about prayer. Knowing that God is fully sovereign, prayer may seem futile because I know that God’s will always prevails, even without my prayers. Still, the Word makes it clear that God delights in hearing and responding to our prayers, just as loving parents care for their children:
“And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit* to those who ask him!”
Luke 11:8-9
If God really enjoys giving good gifts to his children, why does he so often say no to our requests?
There are different kinds of no's, and while they may initially make us feel the same sense of disappointment, they are all signs of God’s love and care for his children:
The Loving No: "I love you too much.”
The things we ask God for aren’t as good as we’d like to think they are. If you are anything like me, you can think of several occasions when God has saved you from your own foolish desires. In retrospect, we are grateful, but at the time, we were overcome. We are like little kids who cry and throw tantrums because their parents won’t let them play with light sockets and hot stoves. We’re like the child in Jesus’ parable, but we’re accidentally asking for scorpions, not realizing the danger they pose to us. Unknowingly, we may be praying for something that would be unhealthy for us, and God is graciously denying our request for our own good.
“He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.”
Psalm 121:3-4
The Waiting No: “Not yet.”
God’s timing is often different from what we hope or expect. When we pray, he may require us to wait because the circumstances are not yet right: the job we need is not open, or we have not even met the person we are supposed to marry. We may also need to wait because he is preparing our hearts for the next step in his plan.
When it comes to our long road to parenthood, I think God has been preparing my heart to become a godly mother, even as he is lovingly orchestrating the circumstances of our adoption. The waiting is hard, but I believe that the waiting is shaping me into the kind of mother our future children will need: a mom who hopes in the Lord
As I reflect on our journey to parenthood thus far, I see God at work in my heart. Particularly in the past year, God has been using this period of waiting to teach me how to trust him. Through heartache and tears, he’s shown me that, ultimately, I have always relied on everything and anything other than Him for my happiness. I have looked for satisfaction in my circumstances, putting my hope in deep friendships, happy marriage, financial security, and becoming a mother. Pastor Colin Smith sums up my problem perfectly: “If God is not enough for you, nothing will ever be enough for you.” Nothing has ever been enough, because I have never allowed God to be enough.
I want to be the kind of woman, and the kind of mother, who can truly say:
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
Psalm 73:26
“‘The LORD is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore I will hope in him.’”
Lamentation 3:24
The Hard No: “Trust me.”
Sometimes God’s answer really is “No,” not because what we request is bad for us, or because the timing is wrong, but because he has a different plan. We may have to give up on a long-cherished dream, suffer with disease, or lose loved ones. These no's from God hurt; they may cause our faith to waver when disillusionment creeps in where God's comfort should be. Still, he seeks to reassure us. The consolation he provides is the reminder of his benevolent, perfect wisdom:
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
Isaiah 55:8-9
Really, isn't this our comfort regardless of how God answers ours prayers? When we pray, we can be sure that God hears us, and that his response will always be loving and gracious. When we come to him with specific requests, we can be sure that his "yes", "no", or "not yet" will always be the best answer, because God's wisdom and understanding so greatly surpass our own.
Related Resources:
John Piper for Desiring God: “Prevailing Prayer for the Spirit’s Power” and “When God Says Not Now.”
