Freedom from Perfectionism

I’ve been a perfectionist for as long as I can remember. I love planners, to-do lists, and all types of organizing. I feel best when there is a place for everything, and everything is put in its place. I was the little girl who set an itinerary of fun activities for her own birthday party (which I planned out months in advance) and would become nearly despondent if the festivities got off-schedule. 

As much as I enjoyed school when I was younger, I have a feeling that academics sometimes brought out the worst of my perfectionistic tendencies. After struggling academically through elementary school and most of middle school, I eventually found my “sweet spot” and began to excel. Sadly, I also began to equate my success in school with my worth as a person. 

Now, as a grown woman, I still fight the temptation to define myself by my performance. I do it in my faith and in my roles as a wife, a teacher, a writer, and soon-to-be mother. I want everything I do to be perfect, or, at the very least, to appear that way whenever possible. If I stumble or fail in any of these areas, I feel worthless and unlovable. In my head, I know better, but a part of my heart still believes that other people, and even God, will abandon me if I fail. I push myself to excel and rush to hide my mistakes as the twin sins of pride and shame duke it out for top place in my heart. 

Maybe you’ve felt that way before too.

If you have, then you know that that kind of dogged perfectionism only leads to burnout and disappointment, and you’re probably about as sick of it as I am. 

So, how do we let go?

We must fight the lies of perfectionism with three vital truths from God’s Word: all believers are saved by faith, perfected in Christ, and perfectly loved, 

Saved by Faith

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
Ephesians 2:8-10

While it’s true that God’s standard of holiness is perfection (Matthew 5:48), He has lovingly granted it to sinners through grace, knowing we could never attain it by our own effort. Jesus’ perfect righteousness is a gift freely given to us through faith alone. While we are still called to live in obedience to God through our good works, doing all things as unto Christ (Colossians 3:23), our salvation is already secure in Him. 

Perfected in Christ

For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified.
Hebrews 10:14

Although we are still being shaped to be like Christ (sanctified), and will still struggle with sin in this lifetime, perfect righteousness is ours forever. Jesus’ death and resurrection has completely satisfied the debt of our sins, forever. We are beloved, blameless sons and daughters of God, and our status before the Father can never change. 

Perfectly Loved

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.
1 John 4:18-19

God’s love is secure and strong beyond anything we have ever experienced in our earthly relationships. The love God has for us is unchanging, so we have no reason to fear when we sin. When we approach God with a humble, repentant heart, He will not cast us away, but faithfully and justly forgive our sins and make us clean (1 John 1:9). We are perfectly loved by our just and gracious Father.  

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This time of year, school is starting and activities are ramping up again. For me, the "fresh start" of the new school year presents an awful temptation to fall into more perfectionism. I set high standards for myself to make my home, classroom, and relationships better than they were last year, and as close to perfect as possible.

Your circumstances are probably different than mine, but you may be in the same boat. The temptation of perfectionism is threatening to rob you of the joy you have in Christ. If you're struggling with that now, join me in this prayer:

Precious Father, I am humbled by your love and mercy. I am so full of pride and shame when I give in to perfectionism. I want other people to think well of me, and I want to hide all of my flaws. I allow anxiety and fear to take control, forgetting your goodness. Thank you for sending your Son to redeem me from my sin so that I can live as your beloved daughter. Open my eyes to the places where perfectionism is lurking in my heart. Give me a desire to work hard and serve you with obedience, not because I'm afraid of punishment, or to make myself look good for other people, but because I love you. Amen.

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Respond

What other Biblical truths help you resist the temptation of perfectionism? How do you remind yourself of them?

Beyond What We Could Ask or Imagine

Hours before we found out we had been matched to adopt a baby boy due in December, my husband and I sat in our nursery and prayed over our adoption. We prayed for the birth mom we were presenting to and for her child. We asked that we would have peace about her decision, whatever it was, and we trusted that God’s plan for us was better than anything we could ask for or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

We had prayed together about our adoption on many, many occasions before, but somehow that time was different.

It may seem that way, I suppose.

Because the outcome appears to be different, it may seem that our prayers must have been more eloquent and effective than they had been before, and so God finally answered them.

But God is greater than that.

God has never forgotten us or our prayer to become parents. He heard our prayers before we even knew to pray them (Isaiah 65:24), and has been answering them, one step at a time, all along. He’s also been doing more than we knew to ask, teaching us to trust Him and making us more like Christ.

Our painful journey to parenthood is teaching us to pray “Thy will be done” and really mean it. We’re finally starting to catch on to the fact that His wisdom is perfect (Isaiah 55:8), and His plans are for our good and not to harm us:

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:11-13

Without our help, in His mysterious, all-knowing, all-powerful way, God has been accomplishing His will while still allowing us to participate through our prayers. He does so for His glory and the strengthening of our faith, making us more like Christ.

Each and every “no” by moms viewing our profile has been a part of the loving act of provision from our Father, leading us to the birth mom who would choose us, and the child we will welcome into our family. In the end, I know that He will have given me so much more than a child to call my own. Every “no” leading up to (what I hope is) the final “yes” has led me on a powerful path of sanctification. The gift of God Himself is the greatest of all.

December feels far, far away. These next three months will mark a new phase of patient, faith-filled waiting as we walk alongside the birth mom who chose us. We are grateful and excited, yet hold loosely to this placement, knowing things still may change. All we can do is love on this amazing woman and trust that God will continue to accomplish His purpose in our lives, to his glory.

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Respond

How do you perceive God answering your prayers in ways beyond what you could ask or think? How has this impacted your faith?

Waiting Well Through Any Season

If you know anything about the long journey to parenthood my husband and I are on, you’ll understand why I was excited to read Betsy Childs Howard’s book Seasons of Waiting: Walking by Faith When Dreams are Delayed as soon as I heard about it. When I finally got a chance to sit down and read it, I ended up devouring it in just one day!

The book contains encouragement for anyone playing the waiting game. In particular, the book offers insights into five seasons of waiting: waiting for marriage, a child, healing, a home, or a prodigal. You may fit into just one of those “seasons” that she describes, or none of them. Regardless, this will be an uplifting read for anyone waiting on God. It is filled with gospel hope without guilt trips or sugar-coating.

Here are the three ideas that I found most encouraging from Howard’s book, Seasons of Waiting:

Waiting Has an Eternal Purpose

Every page of this book is filled with reassuring reminders that God always has an eternal purpose for our seasons of waiting: to make us more like Christ. For the Christian, a time of waiting is made to do away with all our notions of our ability to live independently of God: “Waiting exposes our idols and throws a wrench into our coping mechanisms. It brings us to the end of what we can control and forces us to cry out to God. God doesn’t waste our waiting. He uses it to conform us to the image of his Son (16).” Our seasons of waiting draw us into deeper relationship with God himself, which is infinitely more valuable than anything we are waiting for. “God wants to give you a richer, deeper experience of himself that is more precious than the thing he has withheld from you. God won’t waste your waiting.” (92).

Pain May Be a Part of Waiting Well

Howard doesn’t ignore the deep pain experienced by those who are in a season of waiting. Although Christians should find contentment in God through all circumstances, pain may still be a part of the waiting process: “a persistent longing does not mean that you are indulging in sinful discontentment. The same Paul who wrote that he had learned to be content in every circumstance wrote that he had “great sorrow and unceasing anguish” (Rom. 9:2) when he considered his fellow Jews who had rejected the gospel. Waiting well doesn’t mean waiting without pain (19).” We don’t need to feel guilty when waiting feels painful at times. We can be content, full of faith, and rest in God’s provision and still deeply experience the pain of unfulfilled hopes.

God Provides Grace for the Wait, One Day at a Time

Seasons of waiting can drag on and on. When you’re in the midst of it, the thought of waiting another month, year, decade, or lifetime is horribly overwhelming and defeating. Seasons of Waiting cautions the reader to approach God for fresh grace daily. “It’s a great feeling when you can stock up on food and paper products at a wholesale store and know you won’t have to go back for months. But God doesn’t allow us to stock up on his grace. He gives it to us one day at a time” (88). God will provide enough grace for each day as it comes through, especially through his Word.

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I really can't recommend this book to you enough! If you, like me, struggle to wait on God with faith and patience, I’m sure you will enjoy this uplifting read!

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Respond

What encouraging books have you read lately?