Freedom from Perfectionism

I’ve been a perfectionist for as long as I can remember. I love planners, to-do lists, and all types of organizing. I feel best when there is a place for everything, and everything is put in its place. I was the little girl who set an itinerary of fun activities for her own birthday party (which I planned out months in advance) and would become nearly despondent if the festivities got off-schedule. 

As much as I enjoyed school when I was younger, I have a feeling that academics sometimes brought out the worst of my perfectionistic tendencies. After struggling academically through elementary school and most of middle school, I eventually found my “sweet spot” and began to excel. Sadly, I also began to equate my success in school with my worth as a person. 

Now, as a grown woman, I still fight the temptation to define myself by my performance. I do it in my faith and in my roles as a wife, a teacher, a writer, and soon-to-be mother. I want everything I do to be perfect, or, at the very least, to appear that way whenever possible. If I stumble or fail in any of these areas, I feel worthless and unlovable. In my head, I know better, but a part of my heart still believes that other people, and even God, will abandon me if I fail. I push myself to excel and rush to hide my mistakes as the twin sins of pride and shame duke it out for top place in my heart. 

Maybe you’ve felt that way before too.

If you have, then you know that that kind of dogged perfectionism only leads to burnout and disappointment, and you’re probably about as sick of it as I am. 

So, how do we let go?

We must fight the lies of perfectionism with three vital truths from God’s Word: all believers are saved by faith, perfected in Christ, and perfectly loved, 

Saved by Faith

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
Ephesians 2:8-10

While it’s true that God’s standard of holiness is perfection (Matthew 5:48), He has lovingly granted it to sinners through grace, knowing we could never attain it by our own effort. Jesus’ perfect righteousness is a gift freely given to us through faith alone. While we are still called to live in obedience to God through our good works, doing all things as unto Christ (Colossians 3:23), our salvation is already secure in Him. 

Perfected in Christ

For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified.
Hebrews 10:14

Although we are still being shaped to be like Christ (sanctified), and will still struggle with sin in this lifetime, perfect righteousness is ours forever. Jesus’ death and resurrection has completely satisfied the debt of our sins, forever. We are beloved, blameless sons and daughters of God, and our status before the Father can never change. 

Perfectly Loved

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.
1 John 4:18-19

God’s love is secure and strong beyond anything we have ever experienced in our earthly relationships. The love God has for us is unchanging, so we have no reason to fear when we sin. When we approach God with a humble, repentant heart, He will not cast us away, but faithfully and justly forgive our sins and make us clean (1 John 1:9). We are perfectly loved by our just and gracious Father.  

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This time of year, school is starting and activities are ramping up again. For me, the "fresh start" of the new school year presents an awful temptation to fall into more perfectionism. I set high standards for myself to make my home, classroom, and relationships better than they were last year, and as close to perfect as possible.

Your circumstances are probably different than mine, but you may be in the same boat. The temptation of perfectionism is threatening to rob you of the joy you have in Christ. If you're struggling with that now, join me in this prayer:

Precious Father, I am humbled by your love and mercy. I am so full of pride and shame when I give in to perfectionism. I want other people to think well of me, and I want to hide all of my flaws. I allow anxiety and fear to take control, forgetting your goodness. Thank you for sending your Son to redeem me from my sin so that I can live as your beloved daughter. Open my eyes to the places where perfectionism is lurking in my heart. Give me a desire to work hard and serve you with obedience, not because I'm afraid of punishment, or to make myself look good for other people, but because I love you. Amen.

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Respond

What other Biblical truths help you resist the temptation of perfectionism? How do you remind yourself of them?

3 Things to Remember When You Feel Like a Failure

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like you can’t do anything right? 

It always seems to happen when you’re completely overwhelmed by all that you need to accomplish in one day. The laundry pile is taller than you are. The dishes are overflowing from the sink. Little bits of goodness-knows-what stick to your feet as you walk across your unswept, unmopped kitchen floor. Every bit of table and counter space is covered with random objects that need to be put away.  You really want to knuckle down and clean the house from top to bottom, but there are errands to run and you still need to make dinner at some point.

As you’re bustling around your home trying to get things done, one wrong move on your part sends full kettle of water off the counter and onto the floor

Water is everywhere. You find yourself cursing at an inanimate object. Still, you sop up the mess and try to move on with your day.

Not ten minutes later, it happens again. 

That exact same kettle falls to the floor. There’s water everywhere, and something just snaps inside of you. You can’t do anything right. You’re a failure.

Well, that’s how I felt, anyway, when this exact scenario played out in my home last week.

I beat myself down for failing to meet my own, unrealistic standards of what a responsible, organized woman should be able to manage. As usual, I believed that every other woman I know has her life together, and I will never measure up. 

Thankfully, over the last few days, God has used some lovely friends to remind me that all women feel like this in different ways in all seasons of life. Often, we believe that we have failed as women, wives, or mothers. We think that we will never get things right in our homes, careers, or ministries. 

At this point, you might be expecting some encouragement along the lines of “Don’t be so hard on yourself! You don’t have to be perfect!”, but that’s not quite what I’m after today.

While I think reasonable expectations are absolutely necessary, limiting our focus to that kind of practical advice may cause us to miss out on how God can use our feelings of failure to make us more like Christ. 

When we feel like we can’t do anything right, our hope doesn’t lie in embracing the chaos or in being trapped by unhealthy perfectionism. When we fail, we’re presented with an opportunity to humbly find our place before God, who is rich in mercy and brings glory to Himself through our weakness.

Our Failures Humble Us

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom. Proverbs 11:2

Pride is a dangerous temptation that we struggle with on good days and bad. It’s easy for pride to creep into our hearts when life is running smoothly. In those moments, we’re quick to forget our need for God. We arrogantly accept credit for success without acknowledging God’s faithful provision. 

On the bad days, when our lives are disorganized and our homes are a disaster, we can be more wrapped up in worry that others will see our failures than we are concerned about conquering the actual mess. We’d rather hide the clean laundry behind a closed bedroom door than actually fold it and put it away. We want our friends and family to think we’re better than we actually are.

Whatever the state of our homes on a given day, the main problem is the state of our hearts. When we measure our value based on how others will perceive the way we look, speak, behave, and manage our homes, we have given pride a foothold in our souls. We need God to bless us with humble wisdom. We must remember that we are flawed, imperfect beings who have nothing to offer to our infinite, perfect God. We are wise when we humbly acknowledge that reality and don’t allow pride to puff us up. 

God is Merciful to the Weak

But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life. Titus 3:4-7

No matter how excellently we work at our jobs, serve in our ministries, raise our children, or manage our homes, we will never do it well enough to impress God. We will always fail in some way, and need His strength to get through each day. What a humbling reality.

Still, we have reason to celebrate! Although we are weak and helpless, God does not leave us in that sorry state. In His mercy, He perfectly covers over our many mistakes with the blood of His Son and allows us to enter into a relationship with Him.

We were sick and wretched, trapped in our sin, yet He mercifully redeemed us. He tended to us in our weakness, cleansing and renewing us by His blood and through the gift of the Holy Spirit. Even though we fail time and time again, we have the hope of eternity because of His mercy. 

God Uses Our Weakness to Showcase His Glory

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.  2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Our failures remind us that it is foolish to attempt to live a God-honoring life in our own strength. We can’t do it on our own, and, thankfully, we don’t have to! The power Christ offers us can’t fully rest upon us until we come to the end of ourselves. God’s glory can only be perfectly displayed through our lives when we humbly acknowledge our weakness and surrender control to Him.

When we surrender our wills to God, the Holy Spirit equips us with power beyond ourselves to live and serve to His glory. We are granted endless love and joy, unfailing peace and patience, boundless kindness and goodness, and perfect faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. All these things are given to us beyond what we could ever muster up on our own. 

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The next time you feel like a failure, take a moment to check your heart. Are you falling into a trap of pride? Ask God to give you wise humility. Thank Him for His mercy to you in your imperfection, and ask Him to replace your weakness with His strength. 

Here’s a simple prayer to get you started:

Gracious Father, today, I feel like a failure. Everything I do seems to be going wrong. I feel like I don’t measure up. God, help me not to give in to foolish pride. Give me wisdom to humbly acknowledge my shortcomings instead of pretending to be better than I really am. Remind me of your gracious mercy to me in my weakness and move my heart to praise you. Use my weakness to remind me of my need for you. Give me a desire to surrender my will to you for your glory. Amen.

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Respond

How do you embrace humility and stamp out pride, both on good days and "epic fail" days? How have you seen God use your weakness to showcase His glory?

Embracing Humility When You're Tempted to Judge Others

Welcome to Day 6 of the 7 Deadly Thoughts series! Today’s topic is Victimized Thoughts.

Don’t forget to check out the introduction to this series if you missed it!

#6: Victimized Thoughts

The only way to fix my problem is for someone else to change.

There are few things in life that are more humbling than marriage. I really had little insight into how self-absorbed and prideful I was before I married my husband.

I slowly realized that becoming “one” with my spouse wasn’t a one-time event that happened at the altar. We often disagree on music, movies, what to have for dinner, and what temperature to keep our bedroom at night. Often, and in many ways, our thoughts, feelings, and desires are not in unison. I’m particularly tempted to judge my husband when I feel like housework isn’t being dealt with “equally” (as if that should be the goal...?). So, when the dishes don’t get done in the time and manner that I prefer, I get frustrated and shift the blame for the house being messy. In my head, I play the victim, and I behave as though it’s can’t really be my fault. Somehow, I manage to maintain this delusion, all while sitting next to a small mountain of unfolded laundry from several weeks ago that I haven’t yet bothered with.

“‘Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.’”
Matthew 7:1-5

Gulp.

It’s so easy to see and judge another person’s shortcomings while ignoring our own failures. We do it in all of our relationships: with friends, family, coworkers, and strangers. Let’s not fool ourselves into thinking that this is anything less than pervasive, callous sinfulness. It is pride, vanity, and unrepentance. May God help when we become so comfortable in our own depravity that we don’t even see it!

“If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
1 John 1:8-9

Our grief over our transgressions should change our hearts, turn us from sin, and remind us of the mercy that God has lavished upon us through Christ. When was the last time you felt truly humbled? Were you humbled enough to repent and commit to change,  or were you just disappointed and defeated? Did you make excuses and feel hopeless about your ability to change, or were you overwhelmed by God's grace and mercy, knowing you have freedom from sin?

When we remember what Christ has saved us from, humility will be woven into every word and deed, even when others sin against us. Whether we are moved to “cover over” or confront these sins in other believers, every interaction will be saturated in grace and mercy.

“One's pride will bring him low, but he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honor.”  
Proverbs 29:23

Where false pride will make us look foolish, humility will never leave us ashamed.

For Further Study

“The Worst Marriage Advice I Ever Received” by Sarah from The Orthodox Mama.

“When to Cover, When to Confront” by Ray Ortlund for The Gospel Coalition.

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Respond

What sins are you quick to judge in others, while being guilty of them yourself? How do you cultivate a spirit of humility in word and deed?